You guys, I had an awesome day in which for once I was not stressed. This calls for a celebratory post of fun! Which er, is not actually about my day, but rather about a lady who kicked arse in the 1910s and '20s and who I've been meaning to post about for months.

Asta Nielsen!
She is awesome for real, and I will show you why. Through the medium of a terribly written representation of her life, and also film clips! \o/
ASTA NIELSEN: I have decided to become an actress!
WORLD: Dude, you're all skinny. This is the 1900s, we don't like that shit! Anyway you're poor, shouldn't you be like a shopgirl or something?
ASTA NIELSEN: Whatever, guys. I am going to be an awesome actress. And I'm having a baby!
WORLD: WHAT, YOU ARE NOT MARRIED
ASTA NIELSEN: I know, right. Awesome!
WORLD: >:O
ASTA NIELSEN: Actually, the stage is fun and all but I think I will star in a film. With sexy dancing!
WORLD: Asta Nielsen, we cannot believe you.
ASTA NIELSEN: Sexy dancing in a
slinky dress. Fuck those corsets, man.
WORLD: THIS IS NOT ON
ASTA NIELSEN: Box office says otherwise, sorry guys. So did you like the part where I tied that guy up?
WORLD: Oh god Asta Nielsen we just saw that film and actually you are really hot D:
ASTA NIELSEN: Tell me something I don't know. Also I can actually, you know, act. By the way, my next projects will feature suffragettes and cross-dressers and prostitutes, and also this teenage girl with a huge afro who goes to the pub in a fairy outfit to play cards and drink and smoke.
WORLD: ASTA NIELSEN WE DON'T CARE, WE LOVE YOU.
ASTA NIELSEN: That's cool. So how about I star in my own production of Hamlet and make him the biggest gay ever?
WORLD: TEN-FOUR, ANYTHING YOU SAY, WE LOVE YOU
ASTA NIELSEN: Man, I'm tired of film business. I quit! Let me just smuggle food to concentration camp prisoners before I dedicate the rest of my life to writing about art and literature. I think there may be no end to how awesome I actually am.
ME: FUCKING CONCUR
So this is basically why I love Asta Nielsen. She's been enormously forgotten in Europe and never really made it big in the US, because most of her films upset US censors so much that by the time they were done cutting the offensive scenes, there was basically nothing left to show. THIS IS INJUSTICE. So, uh, I am fighting this by uselessly squeeing about her in my LJ, I don't know.
Also have some clips which I sneakily recorded at the Berlin film museum! In most of the clips in the first video, she's playing a seventeen-year old who is all FUCK THIS SHIT I WANT TO GO DRINKING, but has to pretend to be a twelve-year old so her parents can pretend that she wasn't born out of wedlock, in order to get a big fat inheritance from her rich prude uncle who is visiting. So, uh, that explains the childish outfits.
Er, ignore where it says Henny Porten at the end, that was the start of the Henny Porten clip bonanza. Henny Porten was kind of boring though, she was all LAKE OF TEARS! HEAVING BOSOMS! FLAIL! GRIMACE! I FAINT YET AGAIN!!! but in a very homely and melodramatic way, not a 'heaving bosoms BECAUSE THIS IS A SEXY FILM' way.
More Asta:
There were a bunch of other amazing clips as well but I was all OH DAMN SECURITY WILL CATCH ME so I didn't get very much else D:
More Asta Nielsen fun facts:
# Greta Garbo is on record as saying that Asta Nielsen taught her everything she knew.
# Asta Nielsen is one of like five million women rumoured to have invented the bob haircut. I totally wouldn't be surprised if it were her though, because she really did kick a lot of arse.
# She was so famous that everyone called her by just her first name, since people would know who was being referred to anyway. Artists wrote poems and books about her and painted her and wrote music for her, and also a former cinema (now lame club) in my town is named Asta after her! \o/
# Basically, Asta Nielsen
is awesome and you should clearly
check her out.
Also for the sake of ~honesty~ I will say that I wrote this last night when I was some alarming combination of wildly cheerful and tipsy and DEAD TIRED, so I figured I would leave it until morning to see if it actually made any sense. I am too lazy to check now though, so I hope it was not dreadful?